BEE*ROYAL

this is kinda funny to me.

2010-01-18T20:52:00.000-08:00

sooo you had something great ....

it felt like what "it" was supposed to feel like.

&&then it ends.

you realize, it mist not have been that great in the first place.

i'm unsure of how to feel.

its kinda like, idk if im kinda like jill from why did i get married or like tom hansen from 500 days of summer.

did he leave his 80 for his 20??

did is he finally sure with her what he was confused about with me??

not even to over think it, im just sayin.

i mean im not gunna dwell on it, but its just funny how with life you never really know where you stand until its really really over.

WELP, that being said. later gators.

-___-

2009-12-30T14:42:00.000-08:00

-___-

happy bdayy to me?!

no really fxck birthdays.

idky i think people are gunna care as much about my bdayy as i do about theres.

but ANYWAY.

some updates:

1. met the OTHER side of my family.

my grandmother is so sweet. i love her -- great hugs.

my younger brother&sister are great. my sister was a little shy, but thats cool.

brother is taller then me -___-

my older brother and i are like peas&&carrots.

i love that dude, he understands me on a certain level. we're a lot alike and i love it.

<-- us.

2. im attending uscb in the spring. yayy.

hopefully i do awesomely well and end up at columbia in the summer or fall.

i really need this, because home is not an option. im ready to blow my brains out.

3. my bdayy has sucked royally.

i didnt get to do ANYTHING i wanted to. not even go to the muh fxckin movies.

over some trivial shxt. TRIVIAL. because apparently my birthday should be about other people. -___-

my grandmother raw ass looked me in the face and said that i should be asking her what could be done for her.

i mean im not a selfish person or anything, all i ask is that im able to do wtf i wanna do on my birthday.

how you tell me you dont have time to drop me around the corner, and then you go out and go shopping ...

right up the street ...

from where i asked you to drop me ...

cmon son. cooooooooome ON suuuuuhn!!! the hell?!

im not asking you to dedicate ya day to me, im asking you to take 15 minutes to drop me off, and another 15 to pick me up. inFXCKINcredible.

but im sorry, im being selfish and i need to drop the "all about me attitude" -___-

i think im more angry at myself for ACTUALLY thinking i was gunna have a nice bdayy.

how wrong was i. shxt.

im so ready for this fxckin year to be OVER. its been the lamest year ever lol.

really, its almost funny.

reaal quick.

2009-12-07T10:39:00.000-08:00

so imma be fast.

quick update: anybody i may have liked prior to this post.

anyone mentioned i mean ...

im over it. in my recent visit to mercer, i learned a lot of things.

soooo, im over it.

im feelin one new person, but you'll never know who.

&&lets see where i end up back in school.

im just glad the year is almost done.

found something to wear on xmas. just need bdayy clothes - and something to actually do.

::shrug::

a better blog will come later, im just still workin some things out in my mind.

until then ...

stay up.

_bee*

happy thanksgiving.

2009-11-26T09:55:00.001-08:00

did anyone see my boo kermit in the thanksgiving day parade this year?!

hmmm.

found this pic of him ...

hes dope just like me.

got a tweet today.

2009-10-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

QualityNYC @aintTHATaBEE IIGHT! heres the official link to my mixtape "iLLuStrate" Check Me Out! http://usershare.net/omrmdw5vct2t

hmmmmm.
check it out.

follow him twitter.com/qualitynyc

okay honestly.

2009-10-08T22:02:00.000-07:00

there is no such thing as a "Random thought"

no thought is random, you arrive at every thought through a series of thoughts.

like if i look at a blue book, then think of the blue shirt i wore yesterday, then to the cute boy i met while wearing said shirt, which consequently made me think of my love life, which is essentially non-existant, which THEN leads me to the thought of me possibly never getting married which makes me blurt out:

"what if i never get married??" or some related shxt ....

that does NOT mean that im random.

just because you do not understand my train of thought, or possibly how our conversation may be related to my outburst ...

does NOT make my thought random.

so please do not call me random ...

im dope.

you dont understand me?? then dont converse with me.

your wasting your time.

but then again ...

no one understands me really, so who am i to converse with.

AH WELP,

back to tribe.

later gators.

BEEnita Applebum*

cause i am too DAMN dope.

2009-10-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

i mean honestly ...
in all honesty ...

some shxt kills me.

i thought i lost my inspiration.
had nothing to write about, let shxt get me down.

but THEE sydney reminded me of something important.
i am too dope.

i realize i like to talk.
at times i say crazy shxt.
funny shxt.
sad shxt.
happy shxt.
shxt sometimes i just talk shxt.

but most of all i say real shxt.
it may not be a reality for you, but its damn sure a reality to me.
&&i know its a reality for others.

&&thats why niggas feel me.

HAHA!!

nah ya'll .... im just serious.

everyday i wake up&&i just wanna talk to everyone.
i dont need a t.v. show or anything.

just broadcast me on the radio ..... give me a mic.
just wanna talk&&relate to people.

all this time i been lookin for some inspiration.
but perhaps i had some the whole time?!
ugh.

for real ya'll

i am too DAMN dope.

BEE*

why do i STiLL feel like this?!

2009-09-18T15:16:00.001-07:00

yo, so im looking through my old blog ...

&&i find a post that i did.

i must have been having a really sad day that day; LOL.

the purpose was to look through the blog and to see how much i've grown.

&&i have grown in many ways ... HOWEVER ...

so i know how the saying goes ...

shxt happens right??

thats life.

well why does the shxt always seem to occur in MY life??

i mean i’ve been through some shXt in my life&&i’ve managed to overcome.

brush it off.

put a smile on my face the next day.

lately i haven’t been able to do it anymore.

everyday i feel like i get more&&more down.

feeling low about life.

not on some suicidal stuff!!

just kinda lost my motivation to really DO for myself.

i never really have time for myself.

i feel like im always worrying about other things, doing for other people.

i get people coming in my honesty box everyday telling me about how im fxckin this person, suckin this one’s dxck, bein a groupie to someone else.

&&i know it’s just haters.

&&i shouldn’t let that shxt get me down ...

but i just don’t understand why someone could dislike me so much, want to see me hurt like that.

i hate for people to think these bad things about me, especially when i try to be nice and giving to every person i meet. i dont expect everyone to like me, but i do expect some level of respect ... lately i can’t seem to find that.

another thing, i see all my friends go off&&find all these cute little boy toys.

i know i’m not the prettiest girl in the bunch.

im certainly not ugly either.

i figure im cute, i guess. just right.

but i still can’t seem to find someone who just likes me for ME.

i mean, i know ...

i have nice “boobs” nice “ass”

&&i really try not to expect anything from anyone.

but what is it that these other girls have that i don’t?!?!?

what makes her more deserving of that joy than me?!?

idk, i guess im just waiting for my turn.

maybe its the self-esteem issue i have way down deep inside.

i fear that i’m never going to be good enough.

not pretty enough.

or smart enough.

thin enough.

funny enough.

or w/e it is niggas look for now.

idk why i have all these insecurities!!!

it drives me nuts.

i’m young they say ... i have time.

hey, THATS LIFE they say.

honestly, i cry on the inside.

yes the inside, b/c i have no more to shed on the outside.

i’m beginning to not care anymore.

&&all with my “not caring” attitude.

still comes the hurt b/c deep down i really do care.

idk maybe im just rambling.

idk why im feeling so down i guess i’ll just let it go.

why do i still feel the same way i did when i wrote this particular blog.
i mean most things have changed; but at the root its still about the same.

why do i feel like im missing out on my happiness!?

i kinda feel like ...

theres the place that im in right now ...

&&then theres a place where i should be.

problem is where is that place?! &&how in the samHELL do i find it?!

imma get it eventually.

take it one day at a time.

BEE*

silly humans.

2009-09-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

okay yo real shxt.

why do i get a text yesterday from someone from mercer saying that they were passing a group of people

that don't know me mind you.
have never met me in they life, not even friends on facebook ... dont follow me on twitter ...
NOTHING.

passing those group of people, why did my name come out their mouth?!

leashes need to be handed out with a quickness.
because its not even like it was just "bianca"

niggas put my government out there ...

like how do these niggas know me?!

the bestie says its my legend.
fxck that shxt that needs to be tended to.

secondly ...

how fxckin DARE you come to me and tell me i like someone.

"i can tell you like him"

nigga i DO NOT LIKE HIM, for the last muh fxckin time. do not tell me who i have feelings for.

"i know you bianca"

CLEARLY YOU DO NOT KNOW ME AT ALL.
YOU KEEP TRYING TO FXCKIN EXPLAIN TO ME HOW MUCH FEELINGS I HAVE FOR SOMEONE ELSE YOU TOO FXCKIN STUPID TO SEE THAT I LIKED YOU. SOOOO FXCKIN DUMB.

THIS IS WHY it is LIKED and not LIKE anymore.
wtfff is the point.

so busy trynna push niggas away ...

once again niggas is causin me to toot my horn.

TOOT MUH EFFIN TOOT.
missin out on a lot more then you think.

silly humans.

BEE*

C*Royal.

whichever helps you sleep at night.

they're becoming the same person.

being green.

2009-08-30T13:17:00.001-07:00

i dont mean green with envy either.

in my last year of highschool i was presented with a book ...

i thought it was gunna be a book filled with uplifting quotes blah blaaaah.
&&it was.

but what i didnt realize is that this book would actually inspire me to be a better person.

in this small little book through quotes and songs the life of jim henson is explored.
well not exactly his life ... but more so how he lived his life.
things that he believed in.

reading this book helped me become more comfortable with myself, more determined, more driven it taught me a lot. I actually look up to this guy Jim Henson.

but my favorite part of the book is the words to the song "It's not so Easy Being Green"

If you listen to the song theres an underlying message.
idk ... sooo im inviting all to be green w/me.

watch my beloved kermy sing the song.
=]

oor watch ray!

what i realized ...

2009-08-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

alright ...
listen.

right now since im off relationships ...
i thought of something, realized something.

&&i just need to vent on it.

this is gunna be pretty short not too long at all.

soo i realize, that all the time in relationships i have been on the givin end of everything. i invest all my time and effort into someone and take care of the other person.

providin time, money, energy, most of all LOVE to someone.

but i mean what about me??
not to say that the other person didn't at all.
just ... hardly.
idk kinda hard to explain.

but i mean all this time i was taking care of them, no one was taking care of me.

not even me.
soooo eff that.
new day.
im taking care of me, until someone decides that they want to do it for me.
&&i in return will take care of them.
&&&we will take care of each other; hahahaaaa.

idk perhaps im livin in a fantasy world, but i mean ... SOMEONES gotta believe.

ah welp
BEE*

the most BEE*autifulist thing in this world.

2009-08-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

yes, it's been a while ...
i know, i know.

AH welp, sooo i havent really been gettin on the computer as much anymore because i'm not HOME. i'm stuck in south carolina where i HATE to be.

people that know me, know WHY i don't wanna be here.

but anywhoots ...
since i've been backed up on blogs i decided to pull a SAMcharitar and get an empty notebook. (karmaisoneUGLYbitch.blogspot.com)

so i bought one.
&&when i got home i opened it&&left it on my bed after being summoned.

so when i came back i sat down on my bed&&i just looked at that empty page.

&&i looked, &&looked.

&&i realized that, to me, this empty page was beautiful.

like, an empty page represents so much possibilities.
that empty page can hold SOOOO many ideas, become anything it wants to.

&&if that idea doesnt work out ...
you can just start over.
rip that page out, keep it for later ...
it doesnt matter, because you can just get another page.

develop a new thought.
i mean every great thing started out as just an idea ...
developed on an empty page.

so, imma write down my ideas&&goals on an empty page
&&watch them become great things.

eeh, just a thought ya'll.
=]

just lil ol' be today.
C*Royal is on vacaaaay.
BEE*

everygirl remix TMLA EDITION.

2009-08-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

soo me, steph, noelle and sam all made a remix to everygirl.

titled everyboy.
TMLA edition.
it speaks for its self.
really.

sam: wayne
noelle: drake
me: jae millz/gudda gudda
steph: mack maine

I want a tall dark strong buff man

to Open up my legs then filet minon my pussy

he can go in, straight ham my pussy

cuz I let him in, he don’t own my pussy

imma throw it back & buss it open like I’m sposed to

nxgga I’m a bad bitch

now come here let me show u

u gon’ be a juice fiend

them boys they call me juicy

ell em keep they tongue on my *GASP* theyd get to kno me

HA!

But they cant call me hoochie

I wont fxck the whole group

Nxgga I’m no groupie

My sex game the SWEET*est

My head, that’s a secret

I promise

I am one of mary Louis finest

BUT ANYWAY

I love me some chocolate

& I don’t need me no milk boy

You alone is just fine yes

Imma give u an assignment

I let u (eat me out, I throw it back, eat me out)

hook:

cuz he like her and he like her too, he like her, and he like her too

cuz we know that u fxcked every grl in the world, cuz u jus tryna fxck every grl in the world, yeah we kno that u fxcked every grl in the world, yeah u jus tryna fxck every grl in the world

I be bouncing up and down,

he slappin on my ass ‘n,

nibbling up on the kitty

giggling and laughin

all my shorties care about is partyin and fashion

thinkin u can hit it baby but unfortunately u r wroooong

tmla these grls r tiiimeless

young money bout hear to this ish and try to siiign us

the type a shorty u need, boy it aint hard to fiiind us

badder than the chick u got, boo lets b hoooonest

u want me u want me

cuz I got it all baby tell me what u don’t see

tryna live yall cuz my life is beautiful

jus like tboz, boy I aint neva been no silly hoooooe

these niggas bout pussy pussy pussy

buyin alchol aint impressin me at allll

damn

and everytime u think u got a winner

my grls will come around and make a nigga reconsider

hook

niggas say im disrespectful but im buzzed like a bumbleBEE,

trynna lick the honey pot, wishin hopin he could see ...

but i dont wanna fxck everyboy in the world ....

not a model, not a singer. fxck that shxt bxtch imma diva.

aint no high sadiddy(sp?) chick, im in college aint no skeezer,

freaky so if we fxck wanna be on top, eva the diva!!

my role model is MEEEE

these niggas just want BEE

just wait to get the first kiss

i'll give ya ass the business

HAAA!!

me&&my girls god gift like christmas

talk shxt, smooth skin, fye hair, thick ass

nah we aint feeling none'ah ya'll

no need to check my call log

aint wastin time on none'ah ya'll

ya'll be freakin every weekend

trynna get at me, when ya know ya girl is deep in ...

love, &&look you trynna get ya pimpin on

bring that shxt around me&&watch yo ass get shitted on

hook

And nigga I'm Chinky ayye ayye ayye

Columbus Short

Shemar Moore

Chad Michael Murray

Hah

Trey Songz

For free louis bags I'd give Fab all-nighters

In about 4 years, holla at me Diggy Simmons

I don't discriminate, no not at all

Shaq a giant if he tweet me I'll give him some

I exchange twitpics with the retards

And I got #signedtoyoungmoney cause she aree

Chink-izzo

Baby

Cause she areeee Chinkizzoo

Babyyyy

no really we need to be signed to young money.

crazy blessed.

2009-08-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

okay im gunna keep this short.

the concert was really good, i enjoyed it a lot.

BUUUUT THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY.

we got to go to the radio station right.

and i got to talkin to the radio personality, not gunna say her name.

but she works for majic 107.5

its all run by radio one, so they actually own 3 stations in atl.

majic 107.5

hot 107.9

&&praise 102.5

=].

so i was offered an opportunity to intern there and shadow a radio personality.

im too HYPE.

like yesterday was a blessed day for real.

i mean everyday is a blessed day, god woke me up.

but yesterday??

crazy blessed.

C*Royal

so excited!

2009-08-06T02:30:00.000-07:00

mkaaaaay.

soooo, my (former/ex) stepfather is uber cool.

hes apart of an acapella group.

where i learned a lot of my musical skills.

www.naturallyseven.com

the skills i dont really showcase; haha.

but i can harmonize really well.

anywhoots, they are pretty popular in europe.

BUT every now&&then they have a show out here and i go.

soooo, i'm going to spend the whole day with him on friday.

AND TOO MY SURPRISE, they are going to be at a radio station that morning.

my mom mentioned to him that i wanted to get into radio broadcasting.

SOOO, pappy dearest called ahead&&they offered to show me around.

::EXCITEMENT::

soooo im happy, i bought a new dress today.

haha, so imma wear that.

idk what shoes im going to wear, but i assume i'll figure it out.

so excited!

C*Royal

mkay the stars made me feel better

2009-07-31T02:36:00.000-07:00

the stars as in my horoscope.

You are being tempted by a dream that may not be very realistic and your fantasies about a perfect relationship can get in the way of your current happiness. It makes sense for you to acknowledge your attachment to a specific outcome so you can then work on making it less important. This isn't to suggest that you should eliminate all of your ideals; it's just about putting them in the proper perspective.

night all. =]

C*Royal

::sigh::

2009-07-30T19:33:00.000-07:00

GRRRRR.

okay, so i like this guy.

yes yes, its happening again.

only thing is ...

im just now REALIZING that i liked him.

like i always wondered why certain things that he would do bothered me.

always pushed everything out of my head, there was NO way that i could like him.

no matter how much everyone said "you know bee, maybe you like him"

naaaaah.

DAAAAH WELP, I WAS WRONG.

sue me; lol.

so you know when you click with someone.

not one of those clicks that are so unreal that ya like this is perfect (like @aintTHATaBEE&&@Swag101 haha)

its more of like, its effortless.

talk for hours type thing.

almost like BFF's, but definitely not.

idk

this whole thing is crazy.

like we're good friends.

like today we talked about how he likes this girl but she basically will never see him the way he sees her.

&&i related to him about it.

little does he know, im talkin about him.

damn im trippin.

like idk, &&we be playin around making jokes.

well, not really making jokes.

well its really him, sayin "we" finna do "blah blaaaah."

which probably WOULD happen.

if i didnt like him so much.

like honestly, i have mad friends that get into situations that become out of their control.

where they have ALL these feelings for this person&&get into a hazardous situation, that BECAUSE of their feelings they cant remove themselves from.

&&im not saying really their is something really wrong with that situation. its good to be able to let go in a situation especially when it comes to your feelings. ::sigh::

but im looking at the situation&&im sure its not gunna be one of the ones where i can let go.

damn damn DAMN.

soooo because i like him as much as i do, i have to stop myself from doing something wreckless.

i do NOT want to become attached.

idk idk IDK.

&&i didnt arrive at this situation lightly.

it took me a while to ACCEPT these feelings.

grrrrr, argh, UGH!!

like this whole thing kinda made my sulky today.

my mom even asked me whats wrong.

grr, this is the first day in a while i felt like a girl.

instead of havin a nigga mentality.

sheesh.

feelings just drive us nuts.

&&now that we probably gunna be around each other more this year because both of our BFF's are gone we kinda banded together.

some people think i should tell.

but honestly i've given SOOOO much of myself over the past few years, im kinda in a situation where i cant give anymore of myself because there is NO MORE of me left. i need to get into a situation where someone is willing to give THEMSELVES up as well. that way, im not in this alone. AAAAAALL of this, and all i've established is that i really like this person. smh.

OMG.

someone help me.

lmbo.

***SIDETRACK**

i know i might be a little wrong but sometimes i decide that i dont want to talk to people.

namely in my family.

sooo i answer and pretend that i cant hear.

i just say "hello hello hellooooo" so that they hang up so they think i can't hear them.

but WHY does my grandmother sit there on the phone and proceed to reprimand me because i can't hear her?!?! "bianca you need to fix your fxckin phone" because im saying "hello hello"

hahaaaa, &&NO she does not know im pretending. but come on. why would you talk if you KNOW i cant hear you?! oh well.

so yes anywhoots.

HELP MEEEEE!!!

::sigh::

C*Royal

somethings never change.

2009-07-29T14:04:00.000-07:00

i DO NOT ...

i repeat DO NOT ... have trust issues. Nor do i have a problem trusting people.

i just dont really like to trust people.

you see, my lack of a WANT to trust people only BECOMES A PROBLEM, when the person whom my DISTRUST is directed at, is ACTUALLY TRUSTWORTHY.

sooooo, being unnecessarily secretive, lying, or just acting SUS PERIOD ... proves you untrustworthy.

so if you are proved untrustworthy, was my distrust REALLY that much of an issue?

hmmmp.

hahaaaa.

that as an exectutive decision made me BEE*

however, this is FULLY endorsed by C*Royal.

somethings never change.

C*Royal

aftermath&&random thoughts

2009-07-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

welp, dress say was a success as you know.

but people have been freaking out over it.

haha.

apparantly its completely weird to see me in a dress.

JUST for that, imma start wearing them bxts all the time, just to shut niggas up.

soo i suppose you should get used to this

<<<<

anywhoots.

random thought.

i want dog.

he is to be named pork chop after doug's dog.

full name: stanley pork shop mcclellan.

stanley b/c stanley's mention of doug sparked the thought.

thanks stan!!

also ... I WANNA GO SHOPPING. sheeeesh.

welp,

aftermath

&&random thoughts.

im out.

C*Royal

okay guys are hilarious.

2009-07-27T23:36:00.001-07:00

sooo when i was about 13/14.

i used to go to church with my friend a great deal.

i met all her cousins friends blah blah.

in the process i met one of her cousins who right now imma call omarion

if you want to know why im calling him omarion ask me why outside of this blog.

sooo yeah.

he made my life HELL.

like he made fun of me EVERY CHANCE he got.

he made songs about me having a big head.

called me names, told me he hated me whole nine.

i reaaaaally wanted to push buddy off a cliff.

so anyway, we seperate sue to school, then college.

and become friends on FB.

sooo omarion decides hes gunna come on my got damn wall

and tell me

"i always had a crush on you"

WTF leave me alone.

THEN you wanna come on a picture callin me boo asking me when im coming back to new york?!

i swear this is a joke or something.

like ashton can you come out plz.

wtfffff

"i didnt mean all that stuff, thats just how i crush"

how you crush my ass.

guys are HILARIOUS.

but im not laughing.

C*Royal

alrighty just reaaaal quick.

2009-07-27T22:37:00.000-07:00

the LAST post below was funny to make.

today i actually decided i was gunna get dressed up.

wore a dress whole nine.

idky i just wanted to.

sooo, my cousin came over or whatever&&she was like:

"who are you&&what have you done to my cousin??"

it made me laugh.

but i guess its kinda true.

i mean im the same pretty much.

im jsut kinda growin up i suppose.

comin into my own.

shxt was funny thoooough.

it inspired that post.

if you wanna know what C*Royal means or is, go to my VERY first post on this blog.

since Markie decided to read my blog, just thought i'd help him understand everything that goes on here.

anywooozers,

TELL ME HOOOOW,

this nigga who i shall not name.

(i talked about him THURSDAY, JUNE 18, 2009 no seriously)

he called me up saying this:

"so i just want us to be friends, like i really have a lot of respect for you"

im confused. is this a new approach to get the punz oor is he really trynna gain my friendship back b/c i was one of the only true friends he had.

hmmm, interesting.

"idk man i think we can get past it like "we were cool, close friends, then we ______, we hated each other and now we're cool again. i just want us to be friends again"

... iiiiidk. i suppose i can make an exception.

considerin all his LB's are my closest friends.

thats really like my second fam, minus the family part.

hmm, ah welp.

we shall see when i make my return to macon.

if he tries to get the cooter THATS IT.

thats on record everyone.

aah, im done.

that was reaaal quick.

at least i think.

C*Royal

okay the FXCK is BEE* &&what has C*Royal done to her?!

2009-07-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Bianca,

I can't find BEE* anywhere.

real shxt, i've checked everywhere! all her normal places: mary louis, hillside, even HEMPSTEAD.

can't find her. I even tried GA. went to macon.

checked mercer.

I tried her home in Duluth.

... no luck.

I did see something strange though.

some bxtch that looked JUST like her.

called herself Crown Royal or something, idk.

I thought it was BEE*

&&at first she seemed like it.

until i realized:

this bxtch just dont give a fxck.

i enclosed a picture, tell me what you think.

with love,

a concerned friend.

where the FXCK is BEE*

&&what has C*Royal done to her?!

if you only knew, what i felt for you ...

2009-07-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

yoo

sooo i been goin through old playlists.

&&WHY did i start listenin to this song and ALL these feelings came back.

im trippin man.

music is very interesting.

how one song can capture and preserve all your memories and feelings of a particular time in a measly 3-5 minutes!!

maaaaan.

ciara put her foot in these lyrics though.

cause if you only knew

what i felt for you

you would have held on tighter

fought a little harder

been a little SMARTER.

&&now ya gunna miss my love.

hmm.

C*Royal

updates.

2009-07-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

just a quick update.

my mom&&marc broke up.
long story.
but he packed his bags&&left on some "im going to the store" shxt&&just never came back
coward.

im losing faith in the human race.

i figured out what i want to do with my life.
i would like to get into radio broadcasting.
wamp wamp.

excited.
idt i wanna be an actual radio personality, but i figure i could produce a show&&work behind the scences.
always wanted to, mommy gave me the extra push.

lets see,uhm.

me&&my mother are moving.
wooptyDOOO.

i dont mind moving, i just mind the packign&&unpacking.
grrr. we'll see.

i think thats about it in life.

updates!!

C*Royal

throwbaaack.

2009-07-16T01:04:00.000-07:00

SO, im lookin through my "aint that a bee" blog.

&&i found this blog.

i think this might be my fav blog from back in THEE day.

because ya know what??

shxt is still true.

same story, different nigga.

its called invisibility.

Bee: Sometimes I think I'm invisible to people lol

Bee: Like I'm visible to people who don't matter

Bee: But invisible to those that do

Bee: Oooor visible for the wrong reasons

Bee: And I'm like really tired of it

Sam: u know, i feel that same way sometimes

. . . these niggas today.

so, i know i aint like the most perfect person on the earth

. . . nor the prettiest.

. . . or the coolest.

i dont have the "likeability thing" like sam.

but i still like to think im alright.

actually noooo . . . im more then alright.

I'm tired of being looked over like im chopped liver. like im not "worthy enough" not "fly enough" or other misc. crap like that. When i sit here and bust my behind to be a great person, great friend. sit here and give ADVICE to you about other females

EVEN THOUGH i like you.

put myself aside.

yet im still invisible.

it baffles me how you can sit there and waste ya time with some . . . DUMB chick. I must need to put a big sign on my forehead that says im dumb and easy for you to look at me.

not that that makes a damn difference b/c you know what, ya probably gunna get bored in a month anyway.

smh. so when are you going to grow the F up and realize that your a idiot and you've been lookin over

ME.

i dont like to toot my damn horn.

BUT . . .

TOOT M-F'N TOOT NEGRO.

you missin out on a great deal more than you think.

smh.

even though im going through a changing point in my life,

somethings&&feelings will always remain the same.

good shxt.

throwbaaaaack!

C*Royal

roots.

2009-07-06T15:28:00.000-07:00

okay my sunday was ubeeerCOOL.

although i didnt get much rest, i slept in the car on my way to dawson, GA.

it was me, mommy, kayla, &&marc.

*DISCLAIMER, marc is my mommy's boyfriend; lol.

we went so we could see marcs family.

lemme just say i LOVE his family.

his grandmother is my new best friend.

by far the BEST spades partner i hae ever had in my life.

she talks THEEE best shxt in the world.

better then the bruhs man. better then the BRUHS.

&&anyone who knows the bruhs, KNOWS they are the KINGS of talkin shxt.

hmm, what else happened.

i finally completed my secret telling.

so i have a secret no more, lol.

feelin' better.

unfortunately to start my week, aunt flow came to visit.

i want her to leave, NOW.

hmm, lets see.

i need a new phone.

&&an ipod.

&&&i want some more clothes.

eventually. i suspect the grands might help me out once august comes around.

anywhoots, lemme go.

i've become very used to spending time with myself.

getting back to my roots, bianca's roots.

who i am on the inside, the roots of my personality i guess.

which reminds me, im about to go watch roots.

for some reason i like that miniseries.

find your

ROOTS.

those things that make you, YOU.

C*Royal

anticipation.

2009-07-05T01:23:00.001-07:00

yoo, niggas cant sleep.

haha, YES im still up.

i have to get up @ 6.

yet, its 425&&i cant sleep.

so im up, in an oversized AGAPE tee.

&&undies.

listenin to trey.

anticipation is on point.

plz get it.

anywhoots.

i'm just up lettin my mind wander.

overall??

right now in my life.

im content.

im happy.

i've been waiting for this feeling.

my anticipation ...

is over.

C*Royal.

happy fifth?!

2009-07-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

Greetings Everyone!!

Happy fourth!!

well, more like happy FiFTH!!

haha.

today was a peachy day.

i was pretty tired all day though.

i was doing my damn homework like all night/morning.

At least I got it in though!!

hopefully I get a good grade on my exam.

pray people, PRAAAY!!

i had a little secret before.

but i finally told me close close friends.

they all seemed to take it pretty well which made me happy.

its a nice little family i have surrounding me.

since my birth one is a little screwy, lol.

all in all it was a nice fourth.

i got to see momdukes sing star spangled banner.

we still don't get along all that much but whatevvvv's.

i looked toooo cute today IIIIF i do say so myself.

i got to wear my little dress.

hehe

tomorrow i meet marc's family.

so that should be fun.

i have to wake up early&&look cute once again.

hehe.

so lemme get going.

gotta get some rest.

but DAMN, is it just me or is the booty plumin up?!

haha.

happy fifth to all.

C*Royal.

thats IT.

2009-07-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

RichGirl offcially has my support.

geezum.

the harmonies!!!

lord, i jizzed.

this made me smile. =]

2009-06-27T11:28:00.000-07:00

iLOVE chester french

feel good music.

C*Royal

just statin facts.

2009-06-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

alright seriously i think this needs to be said.

i would just like to point out that i LOVE mike, &&i DO think that his death should be recognized.

however, should the world stop?!

NO.

Everyone is running around like chicken's with their heads cut off because MJ died.

honestly guys, it was going to happen EVENTUALLY.

DO NOT GET ME WRONG, i had my moment of silence.

i EVEN teared up a bit.

but i feel like his ONE death is taking away from everything else in the world.

.... the deaths that occur in the middle east?!

&&were not talking about ONE person here, we're talking about multiple people.

NOT ONLY THAT, but is it fair that ALL THESE PEOPLE who were all up mikes ass last week, talking bad about him&&all of this stuff now all of a sudden are mourning his loss. YOU people are the ones who basically killed him.

&&PLEASE PEOPLE, if you NEVER actually sat down&&listened to a mike album before in your life, &&you just now decided to watch thriller&&remember the time, that does not ....

i repeat ...

DOES NOOOOOOT make you a fan.

shut up&&stop jumping on band wagons

man his death is showin some true colors people.

sorry people.

just statin facts.

C*Royal

R.I.P. Michael Jackson.

i truly appreciate the music you took the time to bless us with.

R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett&&Whitney's Momma

I didn't know you two, but i hope you rest in peace.

as if i never left.

2009-06-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

man, OH man.

its been a while man.

i've JUST returned to duluth.

things are peachy, i reunited w/PiNKY.

oodles of fun.

i got to see SOME of my people.

but since SOMEONE decided to be selfish for intentions unbeknownst to me ...

somepeople were not told i was present.

there for prolonging our next encounter.

INTENTIONS btw, that have no chance of happening.

he has no idea that he's making himself look foolish.

DAAAAAAAH WELP.

anywhoots, finally i owe mercer no more money.

so things are looking up for this coming fall.

remind me to aplpy for work study.

i NEED a job this year.

considering pinky wont be there, i must count on the bruhs to remind me.

maybe even leslie, ;-)

hmm, what else??

since no one is hiring ... im still jobless.

boohoo, ah welp.

hopefully i can stop procrastinating&&finally take my damn driving test.

my deadline for getting my license is the end of july.

the grands need the space for their car, which mean MY car has to be moved.

which canot happen if ms. royal has no license.

::sigh:: all this work to do!!

its almost

as if i never left.

C*Royal

lovin' me.

2009-06-19T12:59:00.001-07:00

the scrunchy face has returned.

not that it EVER left.

im SOOOO lovin' me today.

i mean i love myself everyday.

but TODAY, i feel especially cute&&stuff.

new hair cut&&stuff.

FINALLY got my nails where i want them.

had to go classic&&get a frenchyMANi.

im kinda sad i didnt get to go to new york/albany this summer.

but i suppose i'm okay.

i'm finally leavin SC.

gunna see PiNKY tomorrow or sunday HOPEFULLY.

i feel friend deprived. haha.

but everythings okay b/c i look CUTE today&&i'm loving me.

i think i should go shopping just to cement the way i'm feeling.

LOVIN' ME

C*Royal

okay i miss my friend.

2009-06-18T19:09:00.001-07:00

no for real.

like i miss the crazy times we had on the phone maan.

&&i know he probably doesnt care.

which is cool.

we all moved on got on with life.

but sometimes i wish i could go back.

i feel like i would have appreciated the situation so much more had i known it was going to end the way it did.

i go on facebook&&i see how well your doing&&im SOOOO proud.

apart of me wishes I could be apart of that.

be there for your achievements&&such.

most of all, i just miss my friend.

the conversation

the laughs

the support.

&&everything that comes with them being my friend.

I'm Lovin' It.

i miss my friend.

C*Royal

no seriously.

2009-06-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

alrighty people.

this junk is getting ridiculous.

so this boy, yes i say BOY ... he really gets on my nerves.

i'm a just keep it funky.

we did something ... that we shouldn't have done.

that i know i didnt want to do, but since im so hard-headed&&wanted to feel better ...

i did it anyway.

shxt, i was curious&&i apologize.

welp, it worked.

no big deal i let it go.

you'd think he did too!!

since hes such a "macho player" like he leads on to be right??

NOPE.

sooo because i don't want to do it again&&have a valid reason for such ... niggas get mad.

so i EXPLAIN the reason why i don't want to do it.

explaaaain the whole situation surrounding it.

he gives me the understanding that he understands.

hes supposed to clean it up i suppose.

everythings cool for a week.

buuut things get dirty again

&&then i get tried AGAiN.

hmm, okay.

sooo i explain again ... niggas stop talkin to me.

for TWO MONTHS.

now to explain the situation BEFORE we did everything ... we were really good friends.

sooo why would you throw away a completely good friendship because i dont want to do something that CLEARLY we had no business doing in the first place?!?!?!

NOT ONLY THAT ...

dude, im not stupid. i am "hip to ya game"

ya GEE is not impeccable, you are NOT SLICK.

plus don't try&&run game on me when you've already exposed it a couple months before hand when we were cool!!!

so anywhoots, after you throw away our friendship over something soooo damn childish, after TWO MONTHS of not talkin to me ... you try me AGAiN?!

have we not got the picture yet?!?

guess not.

so you tell me things don't matter.

you don't care.

so thats GREAT for me.

that means you can leave me alone right??

naaah of course not.

so you come to me&&tell me you MISS ME?!

nigga please.

you DO NOT miss me.

&&then when i ask you a perfectly logical question.

"what exactly is it that you miss, ____??"

you call me an idiot&&tell me to stfu?!

get your life together&&stop trynna fxck up mine.

if you can have any girl like you claim, then why you trynna bone me?!

i mean i know im fabulous, but come on now?

lets be adults.

at least ACT like your older then me.

yes, i am acting like a nigga in some aspects.

but why is it that when a girl decides to act like a nigga shes the bad guy.

but when a dude decides to do it, its fine b/c hes a dude?!

maybe i'm wrong&&i shouldn't be behaving like this, but you know what ...

stop painting a picture that your one way&&you down for doing one thing&&then you can't handle it.

needless to say

i learned my lesson.

NEXT PROBLEM.

okay, soooo you act like you want to be my man.

tell me you like me.

i find out ya talkin to someone else.

NOT FROM YO MIND YOU.

you tell me ya not.

&&then you just want to be friends.

HOWEVER, you continue to act like you want to be more.

okay so we continue to talk.

&&then niggas get "marooned" on facebook.

(thats pirate english for no longer single a.k.a. dating someone.)

thats fine. we STOP talking.

not like a respectful oh lets go seperate ways.

more like a ... communication just stopped.

then you decide to have a little event.

ou invite me.

cool beans.

i keehauled that bxt.

(pirate english for denied)

do not CALL me&&ask me why im not going!!!!

YOU KNEW that i liked you.

i am not coming to your house to be around you&&her.

ooh oh, wait.

shes not going to be there?!

then thats an even BIGGER reason for why you shouldn't invite me.

i understand trying to be friends.

but you pushin it man.

like really.

get that SHXT together.

NO SERIOUSLY.

C*Royal

found my old crown bxts.

2009-06-17T11:39:00.000-07:00

sammy remember this??

yea, its small.

but its about quality, not quantity.

C*Royal

only sometimes.

2009-06-17T11:32:00.001-07:00

LOVE get real.

2009-06-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

a little backing story: i came up with this whole post&&then i got sidetracked with stuff w/my brother. ( =] btw hes cool just like his little sister haha still got a lot more to learn about him but i think we finna be cool) soo yea, i started watchin this movie called “The Holiday” ... very cute movie. so in the beginning of the movie one of the characters played by kate winslet is narrating&&she says the following to introduce the movie. since it kind of went with my post i altered it a little bit to fit in there. i still have yet to have good rant material ... no drama (which is good), so this will be good enough to at least spark conversation i hope.

"I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true.

Shakespeare said that 'journey's end in lovers meeting.'

what an extraordinary thought.

personally i have not experienced anything remotely close to that but I'm more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more then anyone reatlly should.

I’m constantly amazed by its shear power to alter and define our lives.

It was shakespeare that also said 'love is blind'

now that is something i KNOW to be true.

For some quite inexplicably love fades.

For others, love is simply lost.

but then of course, love can also be found.

even if just for the night.

&&then theres another kind of love.

the cruelest kind.

the one that almost kills its victims.

its called unrequited love.

of that i am an expert.

most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other.

but what about the rest of us??

what about our stories???

those of us who fall in love alone???

we are the victims of the one sided affair.

we are the cursed of the loved ones.

we are the UNLOVED ones.

the walking wounded.

the handicapped with out the advance of a great parking space."

now i know, bestie is gunna say im crazy ...
&&maybe i am.

but i really DID love dude.
like ... i might have actually really been IN love with dude.

&&love can really blind you.
SERIOUS wool over ya eyes.

its funny how shxt never turns out how you plan it to.
we just really believed that "we" were it.
like, meeting each other was kinda like the first day of the rest of our lives.

we planned our life, kids, whole shaaaaBANG.

&&we were crazy.
&&&we were kids.
&&&&we loved each other.

i cant speak for him on whether or not he was really IN love or not.
so im not exactly sure if my love was unrequited or not.

but i can DEFiNiTELY feel where this person is coming from.

i mean at the end of the day i like to think that all the feelings i had for him were real&&returned.

i mean ... look.

theres things that i could talk to him about that i couldn't talk to anyone else about.
there was something that i shared with him that i hadn't shared with any other guy before him.
... or any guy after him.

&&i find that incredibly cooooool.
&&i have complete faith i will find it again. call me crazy.
i admit that at times i may have takin it for granted
or pushed him away ... what have you buuut end of the day ...

i appreciated the whole situation for what it was.
im glad to say i went through it, i learned a lot.

from the situation, &&from him.
&&apart of me will always love him i suppose.

i guess me saying all of this is to say, love can be tough.

it can knock you down&&bring you up all at the same time.

but whichever one it does,

appreciate it for what it is no matter how long it lasts.

yes, APPRECIATE it.

even if it knocks you down ... you live&&you learn.
thats life.
it BEE* like that sometimes.
shxt gets real.
haha

LOVE gets real.

C*Royal

ALRIGHT YA'LL.

2009-06-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

so my internet at my house went out right ...

so we came to atlanta bread company b/c they have free internet.

&&i sign on to facebook&&i have a friend request from my BROTHER.

yes my actually true to life BLOOD BROTHER.

who, if you know me really well, you know i've never met or spoken to before in my life.

now i had this whole post planned ... but i have cancelled it because i'm just happy im getting to know the OTHER side of my family.

damn ... my brother ya'll.

god is TOO good.

C*Royal

&&the progression continues ...

2009-06-13T17:52:00.000-07:00

soo in talking to leslie lately i've been coming actually a little excited to be back to mercer in the fall ...

i orginally didnt want to go back ... between all the money&&people problems i was having i was against mercer all the way.

but noooow, that im changing&&GROWiNG ... i realize ...

beee, your doing YOOOU, dont worry about that.

god will find a way to make the money problems go away.

as for people problems just do you ... everything will work out fine.

i thought i was going to be alone, but then i realized if i really needed someone to talk to im sure i can RUN to leslie (hopefully she wont turn me away hehe) shes insanely cool&&im glad to say i know her.

&&then i have the bruhs hahaaa ... always have the bruhs.

this bloggin thing is keeping me pretty cool thus far.

i have yet to find the right thing to rant about ...

but i know its coming.

maybe tonight who knows.

oh&& ... i guess you could say i cut my hair ...

hehe.

&&the progression continues.

C*Royal

okay okay.

2009-06-12T01:21:00.001-07:00

sooo im reading my old blog.

aintthatabee.blogspot.com

&&i <3>

for being completely straight forward in my blog.

&&&leslie if you ever get a chance to read ALL of it.

&&you wanna know who i'm talking about in my blog just ask.

i'll tell you on the low.

although some of them are obvious.

hehe.

C*Royal

sooo, i saw it.

2009-06-12T00:21:00.000-07:00

(soo im on facebook; &&a very intelligent friend of mine has this status.

it conveys EXACTLY how i feel soo i really need to share it.)

yup i saw it.

it was walkin like a sheep

baa'in like a sheep

eatin grass like a sheep

&&then i got close&&saw that zipper...

damn, these wolves are a trip....

funny how people act as if they are one thing, then you get close&&get to know them.

smh.

thats life.

glad im doin me.

hehe, yup im doin BEE*

C*Royal

jealousy rears its UGLY head.

2009-06-11T18:28:00.000-07:00

Its funny how we see ourselves as kids.

Its kind of like everyone is more or less equal, we never really look @ the physical ... all we care about is getting along with eachother, who gets the swing ooor who your going to invite over for your sleep over.

... and then we grow up.
&&we realize that things are not always equal.

We are all different
Different strengths, different weaknesses.
Different cultures.

Different stories.

&&that's beautiful.

Until we create this image in our head that there's a supreme ideal human&&we isolate eachother and decide that we are better then someone else because we have prettier hair. Or maybe we're a better size, better looking.

welp, maybe its just me but that's a distorted image.

The most supreme level of human to ME, is the person who is completely&&utterly happy with who they are on the inside AND the outside. They make the best of what they have&&if they don't like something?? They change it for themselves&&not for anyone else.

So if you get to that point, good for you.

&&Beware of haters.

Jealousy always has a tendency to rear its head.
Just make sure its rearing its head @ you.

Because I know its lookin @ me.
Can't help it
=]

C*Royal

the rebirth?!

2009-06-10T19:57:00.000-07:00

alrighty soo ...

i'm being reborn.

it's been coming for a long time, especially since the start of college.

it was inevitable&&i was scared of it for a while.

i was unsure of how i would grow&&was uncertain on whether or not it would be positive or not.

welp, change is here.

&&it has decided to SLAP me in the face today in the form of a newly bestowed nickname.

CROWN*ROYAL

its about quality; not quantity.

YES, its a whiskey.

but a good friend of mine said to take the name&&make it my own.

&&thats just what i plan to do.

sooo, rather then sit around&&figure out if its positive or negative?

im just going to MAKE SURE its positive.

SOO TODAY:

i am letting it be known that i am taking over my life&&starting anew.

"fxck the world with a long dxck" weezy says ...

"muh fxcka im ME yes bxtch im MEEEE."

&&i'm going to continue to work on&&be MEEE until i look in the mirror&&LOVE what i see.

&&&even then i wont stop.

I wont stop growing, or improving who i am.

sooo, the world better be scared. because CROWN*ROYAL finna attack.

&&after i attack?!

nothing.

i never STOP attacking.

(lemme just say, it was not a QUE that named me this)