mkay the stars made me feel better

the stars as in my horoscope.

You are being tempted by a dream that may not be very realistic and your fantasies about a perfect relationship can get in the way of your current happiness. It makes sense for you to acknowledge your attachment to a specific outcome so you can then work on making it less important. This isn't to suggest that you should eliminate all of your ideals; it's just about putting them in the proper perspective.

night all. =]

C*Royal

::sigh::

GRRRRR.

okay, so i like this guy.

yes yes, its happening again.

only thing is ...

im just now REALIZING that i liked him.

like i always wondered why certain things that he would do bothered me.

always pushed everything out of my head, there was NO way that i could like him.

no matter how much everyone said "you know bee, maybe you like him"

naaaaah.

DAAAAH WELP, I WAS WRONG.

sue me; lol.

so you know when you click with someone.

not one of those clicks that are so unreal that ya like this is perfect (like @aintTHATaBEE&&@Swag101 haha)

its more of like, its effortless.

talk for hours type thing.

almost like BFF's, but definitely not.

idk

this whole thing is crazy.

like we're good friends.

like today we talked about how he likes this girl but she basically will never see him the way he sees her.

&&i related to him about it.

little does he know, im talkin about him.

damn im trippin.

like idk, &&we be playin around making jokes.

well, not really making jokes.

well its really him, sayin "we" finna do "blah blaaaah."

which probably WOULD happen.

if i didnt like him so much.

like honestly, i have mad friends that get into situations that become out of their control.

where they have ALL these feelings for this person&&get into a hazardous situation, that BECAUSE of their feelings they cant remove themselves from.

&&im not saying really their is something really wrong with that situation. its good to be able to let go in a situation especially when it comes to your feelings. ::sigh::

but im looking at the situation&&im sure its not gunna be one of the ones where i can let go.

damn damn DAMN.

soooo because i like him as much as i do, i have to stop myself from doing something wreckless.

i do NOT want to become attached.

idk idk IDK.

&&i didnt arrive at this situation lightly.

it took me a while to ACCEPT these feelings.

grrrrr, argh, UGH!!

like this whole thing kinda made my sulky today.

my mom even asked me whats wrong.

grr, this is the first day in a while i felt like a girl.

instead of havin a nigga mentality.

sheesh.

feelings just drive us nuts.

&&now that we probably gunna be around each other more this year because both of our BFF's are gone we kinda banded together.

some people think i should tell.

but honestly i've given SOOOO much of myself over the past few years, im kinda in a situation where i cant give anymore of myself because there is NO MORE of me left. i need to get into a situation where someone is willing to give THEMSELVES up as well. that way, im not in this alone. AAAAAALL of this, and all i've established is that i really like this person. smh.

OMG.

someone help me.

lmbo.

***SIDETRACK** 

i know i might be a little wrong but sometimes i decide that i dont want to talk to people.

namely in my family.

sooo i  answer and pretend that i cant hear.

i just say "hello hello hellooooo" so that they hang up so they think i can't hear them.

but WHY does my grandmother sit there on the phone and proceed to reprimand me because i can't hear her?!?! "bianca you need to fix your fxckin phone" because im saying "hello hello"

hahaaaa, &&NO she does not know im pretending. but come on. why would you talk if you KNOW i cant hear you?! oh well.

so yes anywhoots.

HELP MEEEEE!!!

::sigh::

C*Royal

somethings never change.

i DO NOT ... 


i repeat DO NOT ... have trust issues. Nor do i have a problem trusting people.

i just dont really like to trust people.

you see, my lack of a WANT to trust people only BECOMES A PROBLEM, when the person whom my DISTRUST is directed at, is ACTUALLY TRUSTWORTHY.

sooooo, being unnecessarily secretive, lying, or just acting SUS PERIOD ... proves you untrustworthy.

so if you are proved untrustworthy, was my distrust REALLY that much of an issue?

hmmmp.

hahaaaa.

that as an exectutive decision made me BEE*

however, this is FULLY endorsed by C*Royal.

somethings never change.

C*Royal

aftermath&&random thoughts

welp, dress say was a success as you know.

but people have been freaking out over it.

haha.

apparantly its completely weird to see me in a dress.

JUST for that, imma start wearing them bxts all the time, just to shut niggas up.

soo i suppose you should get used to this

<<<<

anywhoots.

random thought.

i want  dog.

he is to be named pork chop after doug's dog.

full name: stanley pork shop mcclellan.

stanley b/c stanley's mention of doug sparked the thought.

thanks stan!!

also ... I WANNA GO SHOPPING. sheeeesh.

welp,

aftermath

&&random thoughts.

im out.

C*Royal

okay guys are hilarious.

sooo when i was about 13/14.

i used to go to church with my friend a great deal.

i met all her cousins friends blah blah.

in the process i met one of her cousins who right now imma call omarion

if you want to know why im calling him omarion ask me why outside of this blog.

sooo yeah.

he made my life HELL.

like he made fun of me EVERY CHANCE he got.

he made songs about me having a big head.

called me names, told me he hated me whole nine.

i reaaaaally wanted to push buddy off a cliff.

so anyway, we seperate sue to school, then college.

and become friends on FB.

sooo omarion decides hes gunna come on my got damn wall

and tell me

"i always had a crush on you"

WTF leave me alone.

THEN you wanna come on a picture callin me boo asking me when im coming back to new york?!

i swear this is a joke or something.

like ashton can you come out plz.

wtfffff

"i didnt mean all that stuff, thats just how i crush"

how you crush my ass.

guys are HILARIOUS.

but im not laughing.

C*Royal

alrighty just reaaaal quick.

the LAST post below was funny to make.

today i actually decided i was gunna get dressed up.

wore a dress whole nine.

idky i just wanted to.

sooo, my cousin came over or whatever&&she was like:

"who are you&&what have you done to my cousin??"

it made me laugh.

but i guess its kinda true.

i mean im the same pretty much.

im jsut kinda growin up i suppose.

comin into my own.

shxt was funny thoooough.

it inspired that post.

if you wanna know what C*Royal means or is, go to my VERY first post on this blog.

since Markie decided to read my blog, just thought i'd help him understand everything that goes on here.

anywooozers,

TELL ME HOOOOW, 

this nigga who i shall not name.

(i talked about him THURSDAY, JUNE 18, 2009 no seriously)

he called me up saying this:

"so i just want us to be friends, like i really have a lot of respect for you"

im confused. is this a new approach to get the punz oor is he really trynna gain my friendship back b/c i was one of the only true friends he had.

hmmm, interesting.

"idk man i think we can get past it like "we were cool, close friends, then we ______, we hated each other and now we're cool again. i just want us to be friends again"

  

... iiiiidk. i suppose i can make an exception.

considerin all his LB's are my closest friends.

thats really like my second fam, minus the family part.

hmm, ah welp.

we shall see when i make my return to macon.

if he tries to get the cooter THATS IT.

thats on record everyone.

aah, im done.

that was reaaal quick.

at least i think.

C*Royal

okay the FXCK is BEE* &&what has C*Royal done to her?!

Dear Bianca,

I can't find BEE* anywhere.

real shxt, i've checked everywhere! all her normal places: mary louis, hillside, even HEMPSTEAD.

can't find her. I even tried GA. went to macon.

checked mercer.

I tried her home in Duluth.

 ... no luck.

I did see something strange though.

some bxtch that looked JUST like her.

called herself Crown Royal or something, idk.

I thought it was BEE*

&&at first she seemed like it.

until i realized:

this bxtch just dont give a fxck. 

i enclosed a picture, tell me what you think.

with love,

a concerned friend.

where the FXCK is BEE* 

&&what has C*Royal done to her?!

=]

if you only knew, what i felt for you ...

 yoo

sooo i been goin through old playlists.

&&WHY did i start listenin to this song and ALL these feelings came back.

im trippin man.

music is very interesting.

how one song can capture and preserve all your memories and feelings of a particular time in a measly 3-5 minutes!!

maaaaan.

ciara put her foot in these lyrics though.

cause if you only knew

what i felt for you

you would have held on tighter

fought a little harder

been a little SMARTER.

&&now ya gunna miss my love.

hmm.

C*Royal

updates.

just a quick update.

my mom&&marc broke up.
long story.
but he packed his bags&&left on some "im going to the store" shxt&&just never came back
coward.

im losing faith in the human race.

i figured out what i want to do with my life.
i would like to get into radio broadcasting.
wamp wamp.

excited.
idt i wanna be an actual radio personality, but i figure i could produce a show&&work behind the scences.
always wanted to, mommy gave me the extra push.

lets see,uhm.

me&&my mother are moving.
wooptyDOOO.

i dont mind moving, i just mind the packign&&unpacking.
grrr. we'll see.

i think thats about it in life.

updates!!

C*Royal

throwbaaack.

SO, im lookin through my "aint that a bee" blog.

&&i found this blog.

<

i think this might be my fav blog from back in THEE day.

because ya know what??

shxt is still true.

same story, different nigga.

its called invisibility.

Bee: Sometimes I think I'm invisible to people lol

Bee: Like I'm visible to people who don't matter

Bee: But invisible to those that do

Bee: Oooor visible for the wrong reasons

Bee: And I'm like really tired of it

Sam: u know, i feel that same way sometimes

. . . these niggas today.

so, i know i aint like the most perfect person on the earth

. . . nor the prettiest.

. . . or the coolest.

i dont have the "likeability thing" like sam.

but i still like to think im alright.

actually noooo . . . im more then alright.

I'm tired of being looked over like im chopped liver. like im not "worthy enough" not "fly enough" or other misc. crap like that. When i sit here and bust my behind to be a great person, great friend. sit here and give ADVICE to you about other females 

EVEN THOUGH i like you.

put myself aside.

yet im still invisible.

it baffles me how you can sit there and waste ya time with some . . . DUMB chick. I must need to put a big sign on my forehead that says im dumb and easy for you to look at me.

not that that makes a damn difference b/c you know what, ya probably gunna get bored in a month anyway.

smh. so when are you going to grow the F up and realize that your a idiot and you've been lookin over

ME.

i dont like to toot my damn horn.

BUT . . .

TOOT M-F'N TOOT NEGRO.

you missin out on a great deal more than you think.

smh.

even though im going through a changing point in my life,

somethings&&feelings will always remain the same.

good shxt.

throwbaaaaack!

C*Royal

roots.

okay my sunday was ubeeerCOOL.

although i didnt get much rest, i slept in the car on my way to dawson, GA.

it was me, mommy, kayla, &&marc.

*DISCLAIMER, marc is my mommy's boyfriend; lol.

we went so we could see marcs family.

lemme just say i LOVE his family.

his grandmother is my new best friend.

by far the BEST spades partner i hae ever had in my life.

she talks THEEE best shxt in the world.

better then the bruhs man. better then the BRUHS.

&&anyone who knows the bruhs, KNOWS they are the KINGS of talkin shxt.

hmm, what else happened.

i finally completed my secret telling.

so i have a secret no more, lol.

feelin' better.

unfortunately to start my week, aunt flow came to visit.

i want her to leave, NOW.

hmm, lets see.

i need a new phone.

&&an ipod.

&&&i want some more clothes.

eventually. i suspect the grands might help me out once august comes around.

anywhoots, lemme go.

i've become very used to spending time with myself.

getting back to my roots, bianca's roots.

who i am on the inside, the roots of my personality i guess.

which reminds me, im about to go watch roots.

for some reason i like that miniseries.

find your

ROOTS.

those things that make you, YOU.

C*Royal

anticipation.

yoo, niggas cant sleep.

haha, YES im still up.

i have to get up @ 6.

yet, its 425&&i cant sleep.

so im up, in an oversized AGAPE tee.

&&undies.

listenin to trey.

anticipation is on point.

plz get it.

anywhoots.

i'm just up lettin my mind wander.

overall??

right now in my life.

im content.

im happy.

i've been waiting for this feeling.

my anticipation ...

is over.

C*Royal.

happy fifth?!

Greetings Everyone!!

Happy fourth!!

well, more like happy FiFTH!!

haha.

today was a peachy day.

i was pretty tired all day though.

i was doing my damn homework like all night/morning. 

At least I got it in though!!

hopefully I get a good grade on my exam.

pray people, PRAAAY!!

i had a little secret before.

but i finally told me close close friends.

they all seemed to take it pretty well which made me happy.

=]

its a nice little family i have surrounding me.

since my birth one is a little screwy, lol.

all in all it was a nice fourth.

i got to see momdukes sing star spangled banner.

we still don't get along all that much but whatevvvv's.

i looked toooo cute today IIIIF i do say so myself.

i got to wear my little dress.

hehe

tomorrow i meet marc's family.

so that should be fun.

i have to wake up early&&look cute once again.

hehe.

so lemme get going.

gotta get some rest.

but DAMN, is it just me or is the booty plumin up?!

haha.

happy fifth to all.

C*Royal.

thats IT.

RichGirl offcially has my support.

geezum.

the harmonies!!!

lord, i jizzed.