why do i STiLL feel like this?!

yo, so im looking through my old blog ...

&&i find a post that i did.

i must have been having a really sad day that day; LOL.

the purpose was to look through the blog and to see how much i've grown.

&&i have grown in many ways ... HOWEVER ...

so i know how the saying goes ...

shxt happens right??

thats life.

well why does the shxt always seem to occur in MY life??

i mean i’ve been through some shXt in my life&&i’ve managed to overcome.

brush it off.

put a smile on my face the next day.

lately i haven’t been able to do it anymore.

everyday i feel like i get more&&more down.

feeling low about life.

not on some suicidal stuff!!

just kinda lost my motivation to really DO for myself.

i never really have time for myself.

i feel like im always worrying about other things, doing for other people.

i get people coming in my honesty box everyday telling me about how im fxckin this person, suckin this one’s dxck, bein a groupie to someone else.

&&i know it’s just haters.

&&i shouldn’t let that shxt get me down ...

but i just don’t understand why someone could dislike me so much, want to see me hurt like that.

i hate for people to think these bad things about me, especially when i try to be nice and giving to every person i meet. i dont expect everyone to like me, but i do expect some level of respect ... lately i can’t seem to find that.

another thing, i see all my friends go off&&find all these cute little boy toys.

i know i’m not the prettiest girl in the bunch.

im certainly not ugly either.

i figure im cute, i guess. just right.

but i still can’t seem to find someone who just likes me for ME.

i mean, i know ...

i have nice “boobs” nice “ass”

&&i really try not to expect anything from anyone.

but what is it that these other girls have that i don’t?!?!?

what makes her more deserving of that joy than me?!?

idk, i guess im just waiting for my turn.

maybe its the self-esteem issue i have way down deep inside.

i fear that i’m never going to be good enough.

not pretty enough.

or smart enough.

thin enough.

funny enough.

or w/e it is niggas look for now.

idk why i have all these insecurities!!!

it drives me nuts.

i’m young they say ... i have time.

hey, THATS LIFE they say.

honestly, i cry on the inside.

yes the inside, b/c i have no more to shed on the outside.

i’m beginning to not care anymore.

&&all with my “not caring” attitude.

still comes the hurt b/c deep down i really do care.

idk maybe im just rambling.

idk why im feeling so down i guess i’ll just let it go.

why do i still feel the same way i did when i wrote this particular blog.
i mean most things have changed; but at the root its still about the same.

why do i feel like im missing out on my happiness!?

i kinda feel like ...

theres the place that im in right now ...

&&then theres a place where i should be.

problem is where is that place?! &&how in the samHELL do i find it?!

imma get it eventually.

take it one day at a time.

BEE*